How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program sb--Mishka119
by Dave Barry from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace"
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that
explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
It should look something like this:
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain
detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting
the software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch
floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms
and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as
the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of
the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and
conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary
and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine
the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like
it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible by
the dawn's early light,... finders keepers, losers weepers, ...
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child),
please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the
following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be
best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be
| YES | | SURE |
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a
very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there.
Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that
when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new
device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories,
sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with
thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer
and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you
experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath,
nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the
federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline # listed on the package and wait
on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-
by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.